Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
