Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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