I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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