We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
