Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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