Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
