Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
