ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I need to align my fucking chakras
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
