Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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