I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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