there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
