my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
