It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
