batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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