gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
