Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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