Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
