My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
