guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize