Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
