No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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