it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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