Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
