I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
