Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
