I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
