she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
