Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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