In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
