The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
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