11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
