I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize