I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
