yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
