when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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