he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
