If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
