The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
