my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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