I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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