cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
