Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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