New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
