Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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