Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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