I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
