just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
