I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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