Your dad touched me again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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