New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
