just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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