Your face is a jimmy john
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize