Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
