The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
