I wanna passion pit in your ass
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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