Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize